if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If that was your dad, he is hot
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
