Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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