I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
