I accidentally burped into my bong.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
