Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
me + whiskey = a bad person
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
