Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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