you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
