I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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