i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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