I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
