she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
