It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
