Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
