i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
