I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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