he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
