i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
