I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
