if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
