My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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