i already hear my dad disowning me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
