I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
