what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
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I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
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You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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