I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
