Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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