He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
