someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
