I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
