Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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