Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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