If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
