mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
