I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Is it because I queefed?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
