I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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