They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
