i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
