you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
