Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
