I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
