New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
