Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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