Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
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we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize