I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
