omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
