Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
