Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
