Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
