My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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