Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
