Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
