So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
