Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
