Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
His nipple licking is glorious
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