Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I could make wine with my vomit
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
