Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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