your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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