i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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