In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
